We all know it's there...the line, the one that separates right from wrong or progress from regression or even just a fork in the road. One of the gifts that I think I have received in having a chronic illness, is respect for the line. It used to be that I was never really satisfied - I could always try harder, push further, do more. I'd burn the midnight oil trying to perfect something or take on way more than it made sense to try to do...chasing after some vision that I wasn't entirely sure of. I suppose this reveals some of the insanity in me, but the truth is I believe I have a destiny. I believe that God has a big plan for me and that everything I do, everyday is part of the preparation for that journey. I learned along time ago -probably in college that God doesn't mind so much if I make mistakes, so long as I really try and that I do what I do with integrity. But it took becoming ill for me to realize that wildly chasing some undefined thing and constantly pushing the line, without specific purpose, really just made me anxious and frenetic.
There was a lot of wasted energy involved, a lot of running around in circles. Becoming ill forced me to put everything in perspective because I was simply not able to do "everything" any more. I didn't have any oil to burn! I had to become more thoughtful about what I chose to do and how I chose to do it. I had to accept that I wouldn't be the best at everything I tried, but that didn't mean it wasn't worth trying.
This is about when I started running. I'm not a great runner - never have been. I'm not really built for it! If you are in my family, you know what I'm talking about! I didn't like running when I was younger because I wasn't at all genetically predisposed for it and I knew I wasn't likely to be the fastest no matter how I tried. I also didn't know the value of good running shoes, but that's another story...
Anyway, my point is, I guess, that learning to take each day one at a time and appreciating the small victories is a real gift that Crohn's disease has given me. I still find myself wanting to push and to perfect some things that really matter to me, but I'm okay with being the best I can be. This week has been tough in a training sense. All of my runs have been a little stiff and I've been frustrated that my pace has dropped off - I don't have time for this, the RACE is in 3+weeks. It finally occured to me yesterday that my problem isn't training or lack of focus or fatigue from over training...it is simply that I need my medicine. I read back to the last time that I was late for my Remicade infusion and saw that I had the same lethargy. I was supposed to have gotten my treatment last friday but had to push it to today because I was stuck at the airport in Salt Lake last week. I'm not off my pace for any reason other than that. It's okay, there is no reason for me to be anxious.
Today, I got up early, left my watch home because WHO CARES what my time was this morning, and had a very nice jog with Monty. I didn't push the line, I respected it. I felt good. I don't know how fast I was, but I came home feeling refreshed and ready to head to Butte for my treatment. After a week of feeling "hollow" - i know that sounds weird but that is really how I feel when I need my meds...it is a centered in the bones, from the very inner part of my being tired...different from - wow I stayed up late tired- I finally feel stress going away. Hopefully, this learning process I'm still in continues and I quit having to waste a week or two before I figure out that the anxiety isn't worth it! But I'm better than I was....
So, what I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that knowing the line is there and respecting it, and making purposeful choices about whether to push it or try to move it is probably one of the most difficult and most satisfying and most ongoing battles that life brings. Not pushing it at all, makes our lives kind of drift and encourages laziness and randomness. Pushing it too much and without purpose makes us anxious and a little crazy. Finding a balance - pushing it intentionally sometimes, like trying to raise $3,800, is GOOD. It's a worthwhile challenge that makes a positive difference. It truly helps prepare for one''s destiny. Leaving the line be sometimes, like learning to run for the joy of running and not because I'm ever going to be the fastest in a race, is wonderful - not everyone can be the best, but the value from running - getting to enjoy long afternoons and early mornings in God's beautiful glory is amazing. I'm not trying to be preachy.
I just feel so strongly that we are all the sum of all of our experiences and even the very worst parts of our lives, the biggest struggles, bring us unimaginable gifts. The line is real, but it isn't meant to be simply acknowledged, it needs to be respected and sometimes challenged. God is truly great and if we take time to listen, He will guide us - even and especially through the toughest of times.
I'm off to get my infusion now and I ask that you all have yourselves a beautiful day.
jd
My world!
Homecoming Princess and Football Star
Friday, June 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Normal
After spending last week at a wonderful conference in College Station, TX and the weekend before and after traveling to drop of my son with gramma and grampa, I'm glad to have this week to get back to normal a little bit. Dylan had a GREAT visit. He spent some time camping in Glacier park with gramma and grampa, Aunt Danny and Brody, a quality evening with Uncle Kody and some good time with Tonii and Kayla and finished with the weekend Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation Rendezvous. Jackie had a good week working and hanging out with friends and I enjoyed the best conference I've ever attended. Rendezvous was a ball. I got to get my son back which was awesome as I missed him terribly. I had a chance to play some football with BOTH my sisters and a rowdy crew and let me tell ya, it was a laugh out loud, forget about everything else and just have fun kind of a time. LOVED it... no doubt the competitive spirit continues to run strong.
I learned so much at the conference and got so many great ideas that i am promising myself to be very focused and organized at work so that I can get everything accomplished that I want to accomplish and really work on a comprehensive plan for the coming year and years. I am very excited, like a kid in a candy store. Truly, I love my job and im looking forward to each day more than ever. Sounds corny, I know, but its true. It hardly feels like work when you really enjoy the work.
I am a little stressed about the Challenge. My fundraising deadline is upon me and I've got a good way to go. However, I always seem to manage to pull things together in the end. I'll mount a mad comeback somehow.... but certainly it will require help from all of you reading this! I don't have a firm plan yet, but I'll get it together asap.
Training is okay. I feel like I lost a little bit last week being in the very humid conditions of south eastern Texas...it was brutal on this Montana girl used to DRY, DRY climate. STill, I did manage to get in a run all but one day. I had a horrible trip home and ended up spending all of a day and a half in airports so lost another day of training there and another traveling to Rendezvous. I did get in a 6.6 mile run there which was nice, but it was pretty tough too - very hilly, very windy and for part of it at least, rainy and stormy. Today I had a beautiful run and felt good but was a little off my pace. I think I can get it back. I'm just a little in disbelief that I have less than four weeks to go!!! I am SO excited!!!
I'll close with a quick shout to all of you suffering from Crohns. Kody - you are the man. I am so excited for you getting a new place and starting fresh with better health. I know the days are up and down and sometimes the healing seems to be excrutiatingly slow, but pace yourself and know that I think you are a superstar. Friday I'm off to get my Remicade again and every time I sit there getting my infusion I think how blessed I am to have my health back. It really is a gift and I am honored and excited to have it and to be able to reasonably and feasibly be planning to complete a half marathon. It is such a blessing. I will never forget not being able to walk around the block.... THank you God, for all You have done for me.
Jd
I learned so much at the conference and got so many great ideas that i am promising myself to be very focused and organized at work so that I can get everything accomplished that I want to accomplish and really work on a comprehensive plan for the coming year and years. I am very excited, like a kid in a candy store. Truly, I love my job and im looking forward to each day more than ever. Sounds corny, I know, but its true. It hardly feels like work when you really enjoy the work.
I am a little stressed about the Challenge. My fundraising deadline is upon me and I've got a good way to go. However, I always seem to manage to pull things together in the end. I'll mount a mad comeback somehow.... but certainly it will require help from all of you reading this! I don't have a firm plan yet, but I'll get it together asap.
Training is okay. I feel like I lost a little bit last week being in the very humid conditions of south eastern Texas...it was brutal on this Montana girl used to DRY, DRY climate. STill, I did manage to get in a run all but one day. I had a horrible trip home and ended up spending all of a day and a half in airports so lost another day of training there and another traveling to Rendezvous. I did get in a 6.6 mile run there which was nice, but it was pretty tough too - very hilly, very windy and for part of it at least, rainy and stormy. Today I had a beautiful run and felt good but was a little off my pace. I think I can get it back. I'm just a little in disbelief that I have less than four weeks to go!!! I am SO excited!!!
I'll close with a quick shout to all of you suffering from Crohns. Kody - you are the man. I am so excited for you getting a new place and starting fresh with better health. I know the days are up and down and sometimes the healing seems to be excrutiatingly slow, but pace yourself and know that I think you are a superstar. Friday I'm off to get my Remicade again and every time I sit there getting my infusion I think how blessed I am to have my health back. It really is a gift and I am honored and excited to have it and to be able to reasonably and feasibly be planning to complete a half marathon. It is such a blessing. I will never forget not being able to walk around the block.... THank you God, for all You have done for me.
Jd
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Summer!!
Good morning! Guess what, we have had two days of sunshine and seasonably warm temperatures. It feels so good to see the big blue skies that Montana is known for... the snowcapped mountains gleaming with the glow of the sun, the vibrant green foliage and the blooming flowers...I am in seventh heaven.
Today is a weird transitioning day. Dylan is going to the highline to spend the week with Gramma and Grampa. They will have a blast I'm sure. On the docket is a trip to Glacier Park! How wonderful is that! And the visit will end with the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation Rendezvous celebration, which is always incredibly fun.
Jackie is already at work this morning...crazy. I cant' believe how fast they grow up. This is Dylan's first time going without Jackie. I'm sure he'll do great but I can't help but feel an extra tinge of separation anxiety. Jackie will be busy working and hopefully attending a soccer academy to begin getting ready for the High School season in the fall. I am heading for sunny College Station TX for a conference for work. Busy, busy, busy.
My training is at kind of a new level. It is really interesting because I used to be able to say, I'm going for a quick run....but now my training involves runs that really aren't quick. It is a new commitment of time, especially given the fact that I want to spend the warm, beautiful evenings hanging with my family. STill, my kids have been great. Jackie and Brennan have rode their bikes with me a few times, which is the best. Sometimes it is hard to get motivated, but having someone with me makes it easier to get going. Once I'm going , I'm all on. I truly love running and running. I will do everything I can to keep running long after this race has been run. It's all a matter of getting that first step.
Fundraising is something that I'm just not very good at...it makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I'm working at it. SO many of you have been so generous. Believe me, I wouldn't ask for your help if I didn't need it. Inflammatory bowel disease is a beast that must be tamed and it can't be done without a whole lot of money. SO I THANK you once again and ask you to keep forwarding this on to people who might want the opportunity to be a part of the cure for IBD.
Increasing awareness is just as important as increasing funds. Thank you for all of your kind words, your prayers, your support.
Finally on this fathers day, a word about my Dad. I try to be humble and gracious in my life, I really do...but the truth is, I do have THE best dad in the world. I can't imagine where I would be without him. Because of him, I know that I am never, ever alone. I know that I can achieve any goal, climb any mountain, conquer any problems that come my way. Because of my dad, I know that true happiness comes from within and that as long as I live my life in a way that makes me proud when I look in the mirror at night, I will be okay. My dad gave me courage, intestinal fortitude and the profound understanding that life is what we make it... God bless my dad and ALL dads.
Happy Fathers Day!
jd
Today is a weird transitioning day. Dylan is going to the highline to spend the week with Gramma and Grampa. They will have a blast I'm sure. On the docket is a trip to Glacier Park! How wonderful is that! And the visit will end with the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation Rendezvous celebration, which is always incredibly fun.
Jackie is already at work this morning...crazy. I cant' believe how fast they grow up. This is Dylan's first time going without Jackie. I'm sure he'll do great but I can't help but feel an extra tinge of separation anxiety. Jackie will be busy working and hopefully attending a soccer academy to begin getting ready for the High School season in the fall. I am heading for sunny College Station TX for a conference for work. Busy, busy, busy.
My training is at kind of a new level. It is really interesting because I used to be able to say, I'm going for a quick run....but now my training involves runs that really aren't quick. It is a new commitment of time, especially given the fact that I want to spend the warm, beautiful evenings hanging with my family. STill, my kids have been great. Jackie and Brennan have rode their bikes with me a few times, which is the best. Sometimes it is hard to get motivated, but having someone with me makes it easier to get going. Once I'm going , I'm all on. I truly love running and running. I will do everything I can to keep running long after this race has been run. It's all a matter of getting that first step.
Fundraising is something that I'm just not very good at...it makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I'm working at it. SO many of you have been so generous. Believe me, I wouldn't ask for your help if I didn't need it. Inflammatory bowel disease is a beast that must be tamed and it can't be done without a whole lot of money. SO I THANK you once again and ask you to keep forwarding this on to people who might want the opportunity to be a part of the cure for IBD.
Increasing awareness is just as important as increasing funds. Thank you for all of your kind words, your prayers, your support.
Finally on this fathers day, a word about my Dad. I try to be humble and gracious in my life, I really do...but the truth is, I do have THE best dad in the world. I can't imagine where I would be without him. Because of him, I know that I am never, ever alone. I know that I can achieve any goal, climb any mountain, conquer any problems that come my way. Because of my dad, I know that true happiness comes from within and that as long as I live my life in a way that makes me proud when I look in the mirror at night, I will be okay. My dad gave me courage, intestinal fortitude and the profound understanding that life is what we make it... God bless my dad and ALL dads.
Happy Fathers Day!
jd
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Time
Where does the time go? It wasn't long ago that I decided to take on this challenge of running a half marathon and more importantly raising some money and awareness of Crohns and Colitis. It was a big goal and I knew it would take some dedication, but it was okay because I had a lot of time to get it done.....
Well, time has flown by and here we are on the final march to the prize. I am feeling really good about my training. Last weekend, I traveled to Helena for my daughter's Montana Cup Soccer tournament. It was windy, chilly and a little rainy off and on. Her team struggled on the first day, but rebounded nicely and managed to end the season with a good win. Since we were in Helena, I decided to try the Governor's Cup 5K run. It was really fun. The route was scenic, the people were energetic, the course well lined with volunteers and supporters of all kind. The atmosphere made the race really great. I'll definitely try and do it again. My time was decent, a little under 9 1/2 minute miles on a pretty hilly course. Overall it was a great success. I'm SO very excited for Napa. I imagine that the experience will be similar and I know that I'll be ramped up beyond belief. I can't believe it is SIX weeks away!!
Over the weekend I also managed to referree four soccer games so yesterday I took off and just did some stretching. It was pretty a pretty exausting time. I think just being outside in the wind for two days is tiring!
Anyway, it's time to get serious about the fundraising. You can see that I dropped my goal from $5,000 to the $3,800 that is the minimum. Please know that I am still hoping to get $5,000. Funding more research is so important. If you haven't already, please send this on to your friends and family. I'm finding that those people whose lives have been touched with IBD, are very generous...and its not so much about the asking for money, as it is giving someone a chance to be a part of the cure. If you have a family member who struggles with any kind of a crohnic illness, you know what I mean. I've said before that dealing with my own Crohn's disease isn't as difficult as it is to watch my son suffer from his symptoms, or my brother going through trial after trial.... and my not being able to do anything. This is a chance to do something, so please, pass this along. Every dime counts.
And speaking of my brother, things aren't good. He had his major surgery and we all prayed that it would be the beginning of better things for him. I have to keep reminding myself what a long, hard recovery I had, but its difficult to keep perspective and Kody's disease has been so very different than mine so comparing is really useless. anyway, he had four drains in his abdomen before surgery and the goal was to fix all that plumbing. I learned this weekend that he is leaking out of the area where all four incissions had been. He is back to the doctors this week to try and devise a plan. So PLEASE, keep him in your prayers.
I better get going but I wanted to take just a couple more seconds of your time to thank you for reading this blog and supporting me, whether through funding, prayers, or sharing my site and the plight of my family and so many others. I didn't expect the support of many of you who have stepped up to the plate. It is refreshing and rewarding and I appreciate it very, very much.
Have a great day!
Jodie
Well, time has flown by and here we are on the final march to the prize. I am feeling really good about my training. Last weekend, I traveled to Helena for my daughter's Montana Cup Soccer tournament. It was windy, chilly and a little rainy off and on. Her team struggled on the first day, but rebounded nicely and managed to end the season with a good win. Since we were in Helena, I decided to try the Governor's Cup 5K run. It was really fun. The route was scenic, the people were energetic, the course well lined with volunteers and supporters of all kind. The atmosphere made the race really great. I'll definitely try and do it again. My time was decent, a little under 9 1/2 minute miles on a pretty hilly course. Overall it was a great success. I'm SO very excited for Napa. I imagine that the experience will be similar and I know that I'll be ramped up beyond belief. I can't believe it is SIX weeks away!!
Over the weekend I also managed to referree four soccer games so yesterday I took off and just did some stretching. It was pretty a pretty exausting time. I think just being outside in the wind for two days is tiring!
Anyway, it's time to get serious about the fundraising. You can see that I dropped my goal from $5,000 to the $3,800 that is the minimum. Please know that I am still hoping to get $5,000. Funding more research is so important. If you haven't already, please send this on to your friends and family. I'm finding that those people whose lives have been touched with IBD, are very generous...and its not so much about the asking for money, as it is giving someone a chance to be a part of the cure. If you have a family member who struggles with any kind of a crohnic illness, you know what I mean. I've said before that dealing with my own Crohn's disease isn't as difficult as it is to watch my son suffer from his symptoms, or my brother going through trial after trial.... and my not being able to do anything. This is a chance to do something, so please, pass this along. Every dime counts.
And speaking of my brother, things aren't good. He had his major surgery and we all prayed that it would be the beginning of better things for him. I have to keep reminding myself what a long, hard recovery I had, but its difficult to keep perspective and Kody's disease has been so very different than mine so comparing is really useless. anyway, he had four drains in his abdomen before surgery and the goal was to fix all that plumbing. I learned this weekend that he is leaking out of the area where all four incissions had been. He is back to the doctors this week to try and devise a plan. So PLEASE, keep him in your prayers.
I better get going but I wanted to take just a couple more seconds of your time to thank you for reading this blog and supporting me, whether through funding, prayers, or sharing my site and the plight of my family and so many others. I didn't expect the support of many of you who have stepped up to the plate. It is refreshing and rewarding and I appreciate it very, very much.
Have a great day!
Jodie
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