The Line

We all know it's there...the line, the one that separates right from wrong or progress from regression or even just a fork in the road. One of the gifts that I think I have received in having a chronic illness, is respect for the line. It used to be that I was never really satisfied - I could always try harder, push further, do more. I'd burn the midnight oil trying to perfect something or take on way more than it made sense to try to do...chasing after some vision that I wasn't entirely sure of. I suppose this reveals some of the insanity in me, but the truth is I believe I have a destiny. I believe that God has a big plan for me and that everything I do, everyday is part of the preparation for that journey. I learned along time ago -probably in college that God doesn't mind so much if I make mistakes, so long as I really try and that I do what I do with integrity. But it took becoming ill for me to realize that wildly chasing some undefined thing and constantly pushing the line, without specific purpose, really just made me anxious and frenetic.

There was a lot of wasted energy involved, a lot of running around in circles. Becoming ill forced me to put everything in perspective because I was simply not able to do "everything" any more. I didn't have any oil to burn! I had to become more thoughtful about what I chose to do and how I chose to do it. I had to accept that I wouldn't be the best at everything I tried, but that didn't mean it wasn't worth trying.

This is about when I started running. I'm not a great runner - never have been. I'm not really built for it! If you are in my family, you know what I'm talking about! I didn't like running when I was younger because I wasn't at all genetically predisposed for it and I knew I wasn't likely to be the fastest no matter how I tried. I also didn't know the value of good running shoes, but that's another story...

Anyway, my point is, I guess, that learning to take each day one at a time and appreciating the small victories is a real gift that Crohn's disease has given me. I still find myself wanting to push and to perfect some things that really matter to me, but I'm okay with being the best I can be. This week has been tough in a training sense. All of my runs have been a little stiff and I've been frustrated that my pace has dropped off - I don't have time for this, the RACE is in 3+weeks. It finally occured to me yesterday that my problem isn't training or lack of focus or fatigue from over training...it is simply that I need my medicine. I read back to the last time that I was late for my Remicade infusion and saw that I had the same lethargy. I was supposed to have gotten my treatment last friday but had to push it to today because I was stuck at the airport in Salt Lake last week. I'm not off my pace for any reason other than that. It's okay, there is no reason for me to be anxious.

Today, I got up early, left my watch home because WHO CARES what my time was this morning, and had a very nice jog with Monty. I didn't push the line, I respected it. I felt good. I don't know how fast I was, but I came home feeling refreshed and ready to head to Butte for my treatment. After a week of feeling "hollow" - i know that sounds weird but that is really how I feel when I need my meds...it is a centered in the bones, from the very inner part of my being tired...different from - wow I stayed up late tired- I finally feel stress going away. Hopefully, this learning process I'm still in continues and I quit having to waste a week or two before I figure out that the anxiety isn't worth it! But I'm better than I was....

So, what I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that knowing the line is there and respecting it, and making purposeful choices about whether to push it or try to move it is probably one of the most difficult and most satisfying and most ongoing battles that life brings. Not pushing it at all, makes our lives kind of drift and encourages laziness and randomness. Pushing it too much and without purpose makes us anxious and a little crazy. Finding a balance - pushing it intentionally sometimes, like trying to raise $3,800, is GOOD. It's a worthwhile challenge that makes a positive difference. It truly helps prepare for one''s destiny. Leaving the line be sometimes, like learning to run for the joy of running and not because I'm ever going to be the fastest in a race, is wonderful - not everyone can be the best, but the value from running - getting to enjoy long afternoons and early mornings in God's beautiful glory is amazing. I'm not trying to be preachy.

I just feel so strongly that we are all the sum of all of our experiences and even the very worst parts of our lives, the biggest struggles, bring us unimaginable gifts. The line is real, but it isn't meant to be simply acknowledged, it needs to be respected and sometimes challenged. God is truly great and if we take time to listen, He will guide us - even and especially through the toughest of times.

I'm off to get my infusion now and I ask that you all have yourselves a beautiful day.

jd